I have been doodling whilst off work and then started to create some little drawings. I love being creative but then “Missus who does she think she is” normally comes along and tells me I am no good so I always stop. When I was young I was given drawing books and felt tip pens as special present. I can still now remember the excitement of a new set of inky pens full of colour and lots of blank pages to fill! When I was five I wanted to be a fashion designer and then a dancer!
Later years took me to London to study Textile design. Having had a creative and happy art foundation year I was on a high. But arriving on my new course I cam across some of the nastiest bitchiest folk I have ever had the pleasure to meet. I am not talking about the students but the tutors! For some reason I did not “fit in” and my work was crtiscised and torn apart. As someone who thrives on encouragement I was destroyed by their continous bullying.
The happy ending is that I managed to transfer onto a Combines Fine Art degree course and was happily supported with my art after and finsished my degree with mad dolls and big painty pictures. My art might have been bold but I lost my personal boldness that I had as a child. I did practice as an artist but I lost my self belief and I let it go on having children.
So in the art world I have hung out and ancouraged wonderfully creative friends but not belonged to that world. I do not value my art work . “Missus Who does she think she is” from old art college days clearly told me I had no talent and thirty years on I carry that with me. It is deep rooted. Intellectually I can see objectively how outrageous it is to treat a young woman vulnerable having left home and moved to the big city with such bullying behaviour. I sincerely hope this no longer happens in higher education creative courses. However I cannot shake it off.
I put up barriers to creating art. The kids, no headspace, I am not good enough so why bother, I do not have time, I have no skills to make anything …. the list goes on. I also attempt passionately to support smallist boy in creating every mad cap wonderful arty idea he has ever had! I want to fill him up with so much confidence that he remains untouched by criticism he might face.
You see what seperates me from art creators and art makers is that I have no self belief. I dont think I deserve to make art as I have neither enough talent nor am I one of the “golden children” that are allowed to make art. I am also wary of being needy and having to seek constant validation so could not survive making art work by continous need to seek validation. So as time as gone by I have gone off and used my creativity elsewhere. As a social worker and social care manager I am one of the most creative proble solvers you can meet. My work notebooks are full of weird and wonderful doodles. The heavier the meeting the more complex the doodle! I doodle to think !
Having been off work I have explored many ideas and read lots of stuff. I suddenly came across not for the first time that people keep notebooks and journals. Other people value the scribbles word, thought and indeed doodle in their journals. I realised that in meetings I sit with my colourful nortebook suurounded by lap tops and tablets. They do emails and do not listen. I listened and creatively visioned out ideas and problem solved. Of course none of this was valued or deemed corporate. They are probably all having a laugh at how “uncorporate” my notebooks were!
But for two months now I have been scribbling and doodling. Then my doodles have formed into little pictures. I am using felt tip pens in a book. I am not planning pig paintings or embroidery. I am keeping them as they are. Colour doodles on paper. I am without thinking trying to connect back to the little girl who just drew pictures because she liked it. The themes are mostly the same , ladies wearing fancy clothes , patterns living in colourful worlds. For now that is enough.