The new normal.
I cannot imagine now the time before. I am thinking of once how that vista might have looked? A gentler landscape perhaps? Rolling green hills, sunshine, glittering calm sea nearby. I am rested calm, smile of contentment on my lips. Better than a romantic book. Loved and being loved, Mother, wife, friend daughter.
I am writing with cynical smile on lips for this view has gone, pshhhh, like a puff of smoke. I sit here writing all kinds of words that do not add up. Life was tough before not easy I was not skipping or winning at life. I was worn out, tired to be honest. I have always given out too much to everyone. I suppose looking back I was that loving kind person in spite of life’s adversity I was strong and kept going. I was a loving caring Mum and had done the best I could to bring up my boys. My Mummy love was strong, is strong, was unconditional, is unconditional and constant, always constant.
Capable confident compassionate Caring kind. That was me. Part of big happy extended family. We had our challenges but were coming through the other side. I was loving kind person in despite of life’s adversity I was strong and kept going. The old path had its hurdles to jump over but I just kept jumping, if I fell, I picked myself up.
I can place me in a busy world where folk k would call on me and lean on me. I very rarely could say No to anyone needing help. I was super Mum super friend super wife surrounded in capability! The friend that would help. I was Andrew’s Mum, in this cruel world protecting him, keeping him safe and supporting him to navigate life with my Mother’s love.
I think this superwoman running around sorting life out thought things would get better. I was hopeful and optimistic that the next view or vista would be better. In those days I thought there would if not happy, would be a better ending to the constant challenge’s life chucked at me.
Now here I am in the new normal. This is the best I can do to remember views from before, time as it was, me who I was. Grief mists everything now. However now I see with clarity there was an inevitability that my lovely boy would be taken from me. It always felt like I was safe keeping him. I lived naively then thinking I suppose that I could. That a mother’s love would be enough to keep him here. In the new normal I see that a mother’s love is not enough.
In this new normal of every morning I awake to revolving thoughts; dead, gone, not asleep not waking up, not coming home. My boy is dead.
Over months the new normal life has given me time to sit in nature and feel the landscape change. Today’s normal; Bleak winter view. Yesterday I told a stranger I have one child, the other is dead. Calmly without tears. My boy has died. There is my world now. Mother of dead child.
Every view or illustration of every truth I have based my life on has been rubbed out or come undone. The woman before no longer exists and the path she was on no longer is there so there is no view. There is no map to follow.
Life to death.
Love to grief.
In this new normal I have to take comfort in very small things, trying to create any memory that may provide relief from this constant pain. Grief obscures all future views on which hopes aspirations or dreams based upon.
This new reality, my new normal shifts constantly there is now little surety, only moment by moment, minute by minute. I am lost in reality of life without my boy. I have no idea now of what I am looking at. In this new normal all this love is now grief but I also have love to protect others from this pain, my grief. In this new normal I cry and wail in corners. In my new vista I stand alone, lonely in my mother’s loss, full of sadness I cry alone.
As this new world reforms, I realise I am held in love and mercy alone. I no longer worry for my boy, he is okay, he is at peace. I pray now for the strength to carry on, to create a new normal of love, peace and mercy.