Truths

No one person in this big whole wide world will ever know what happened to my boy

No answers in life, his Grandma said we would be wise in death

No, I hope she is with him now

No, we cannot rewrite the past, even if we all walk around carrying our bags of “what ifs and if onlys”

No nothing happened to make it this way

No one person let anyone down

No one person has such super hero powers to impact on another’s destiny

No ego is too big to turn back time

No other being to be able to sort another’s fate

No there are no fundamental earth quaking life lessons to be learnt from this grief

No magic potions from these tears or mystical moments from this sorrow

No there are no life lessons to be learnt

No mental illness

No depression

No, I am not okay

No, I do not feel better

No, this grief is not like when you lost your Mum, Dad, Gran or any other person

No, I am not a soldier fighting this war of grief

No, I am not brave nor courageous

No, I do not cry in front of you

No, I do not stop crying or weeping

No, my love for my boy gets stronger

No, he was not distressed he is now at peace

No this does not make the pain less

No, there is not a thing as loving too much

No amount of love is enough

 

My own riverside

My own riverside connects me to the land to natures beauty and strength

I walk in wind, rain and sunshine

in cold and the warm to keep myself awake

Knowing friends with love witness my grief as they walk by my side

Keeping me propped up, keeping me awake and alive in my grief

Holding me so I do not fall along the riverside

This is how people walk beside me in my grief along the riverside

Now my boy has gone

My little boy

My not small boy who I love so deeply

The boy I always hopped in front of ensuring he was safe

The boy who walked along his own riverside gently turning into his own destiny

his next journey in peace, in love towards mercy and a new destiny

I walk by the riverside this raging river with its torrents of water full rain water

Rained until the fields are sodden with water

Little sunshine little moments of light or sunshine on face to give hope

Rain falls like my tears as I walk by the riverside

I walk along the riverside to fill my days

Where else would I go?

Circles and swirls of walks

To ease my pain

There is nowhere else to go

I stand on the old bridge view unchanged

How can this be so when my life my view is heartbroken?

I am grief stricken

Yet still the river flows

Fast constant in its strength

Over rock

Over river bank

Over tree

The riverside cold and wet in these wintry times

I weep my tears flow and flow

I am beaten in my grief

Today I walked

I was drawn to a church

I prayed for love for mercy

For respite in this grief

I cried so many tears I create my own river

My riverside of grief

I pray for mercy and love

For some way of walking

Along the riverside to find solace in beauty of nature

To walk and be at ease with my grief

I cry tears

I have lost my boy

I walk along the riverside

Another day to manage

Things we do for love

The things we do for grief

In grief in sadness in misery in pain and suffering

I have to get up and dressed staying in bed is too painful

Early awakening to he is gone every day every day realising my lovely boy is not here

Early rising means time to kill

Another day to manage to get through

Things must be created to do

My boy’s drawings are a window into my boy’s amazing creative and inventive mind.

Pictures of batman having a cup of tea, spaceships firing underpants

Drawings so beautiful they take your breath away

Starting every day with a visit into my beautiful creative boy’s head

Posting pictures daily on Facebook

Not alone sharing the pleasure reaching out to friends

This morning’s picture made me laugh

I could hear my boy laughing with me.

Dawn breaks, I occupy my body and still my mind with yoga

stretching my way into the day trying to be good and kind to me

Not always working but faking my body for now

Quiet reflection and prayer come next

I have to believe that my boy has gone onto his next journey and a bigger sense of being

His purpose here could have been many but now completed

He is now at peace no longer here

I pray for gratitude of love all around me

For strength for us all grieving and broken for our boy to make it through the day

Quiet moments focused on love, the power of love to sooth, the power of love to accept mercy

To survive I am trying to be open

Helping my “who does she think  you are?” mind from guilt and could haves

I do not have the energy for these.

Then I write

Grief course prompts or from my head

Hard to face some days I do not want to write it makes me face the grief head on

Writing deep into the grief into the pain and loss

I share my writing to the world

To not have to be okay, say okay

I write to keep my grief real here now.

Drawing pictures in long lines spirals and curves later

Gentle line pictures of grief and loss

Spirals, hearts and flowers, broken hearts, always tears.

As autumn becomes dark dreary drizzling winter, I grow weary

These routines of day get harder

Grief stricken strikes me weary

Too tired to do

I could just stay in bed forever

But still I move, I even dance, and I am compelled to create

One day at a time

Love you Mum

Love you Mum

From baby to big boy

I Love you my lovely boy

Love you Mum

We shared love demonstrated love

We always talked of love

Spoken word out loud

I love you my lovely boy

Love you Mum

My little boy sat on me curled up on me

Woke me in the mornings by lying on me

Always hugging always holding close

I love you my lovely boy

Love you Mum

Bigger older he draped his long legs over mine

Always sitting close ready for a hug

I love you my lovely boy

Love you Mum

Even in time of not wanting to touch

If asked for a kitchen hug, laughing at being taller and hugging his little Mum

I love you my lovely boy

Love you Mum

He leaves home and now phone calls and texts

I love you my lovely boy

Love you Mum

The night he was dying as his soul gently slipped away

He came to me in my resting hour

I am okay mum, no need to worry about me anymore

Love you Mum

And now on days of dark despair

Today alone full of sadness, broken and grief stricken

Into my head comes …

Love you Mum

If only love was enough

Beautiful Breathing

Time stands still as the world shifts and moves around me

I sit with this mother’s love beautiful constant love the surety of now is my love

Beauty is in love

Beauty is now in the world in quiet, this space that I hold

My grief, all this mother’s love, this daughter’s love has no place to go but to stay still and strong in beauty in its compassion, its care, its grace

This grief is lit by the light of the day softly golden in days past, whiter longer stretches now in cold winter days

Love shines bright.

No golden light today

The soft beauty of autumn and my searching for my boy, slowly sinking into loss has gently ebbed away

Winter is here in its’ dark perhaps majestic beauty,

Bleak stillness today, rain stopped and the grey light of this time peers through branches of trees now stripped of leaves

As I walk this journey of grief my vision is bright seeking and receiving beauty in all I experience

I see with clarity the green of the tree, the charcoal etched branches on skylines, markers of red berry on bushes, the last golden leaf drifting to the ground

I hear beauty in silence, in music and song and hear the song of the bird in the trees

Lone candle lit for my boy, my lost love

One candle standing alone flickering brightly in the darkness of a winter’s day

It marks his beauty his vibrancy that has been taken away

An anniversary I do not need to celebrate

No beauty in loss but beauty in the love that is still here

Beauty in the sadness as I hold all this love with nowhere to go?

Grief has removed the illusion of the day to day fancery and frippery

I can now do whatever I want

Liberty in grief brings time to stop, time to breathe, beautiful deep gasping breath

Beautiful breathing now becomes the focus of my world minute by minute

I am still in my grief, my sadness my sorrow

Stripped of all but my broken heart

I am still, quietly gentle in this moment

The greater sense of being, love and mercy for my boy. I know he is at peace

Beauty in the now the very moment

Beauty in the mercy and love that holds me tight

Golden Light has gone

Nature does not take away this deep heart-breaking pain, it soothes it it’s nature of being

Life gently goes on when I hear birds sing and see trees swaying in the wind

I sink deeper and deeper in to grief summer has gone and autumn now ceases as winter arrives

as if nature is grieving right beside me

The light, sunlight, dim or bright follows me in grief

Yesterday we walked through woods and tall trees

Birds tweeted above our loving chatter

Rain has come daily, thick heavy miserable rain

the ground wet and squelching underfoot.

Yet still beyond the rain I seek comfort in light, in sun

Glimpses of light no longer golden, more silver slivering through the trees

The day we said farewell to my beautiful boy the sun shone

Bright extraordinary warm sunshine on our faces, drying our tears

No need for dark warm coats, life was alive with the best of summer heat

The sun arrived like a film set lighting person, lighting my boy’s journey into the next world

Bright fierce yellow light, hot sun

Sliding into autumn, full of loss and mourning each morning golden light came to warm my face to give grace and mercy

Start of my days is lit by golden light, soft warm dawn

Lighting the last of the flowers in golden, tops of trees in golden

this golden light, held me in its gentle warmth to sooth my pain

Rain goes on and on as I sink lower into grief. It feels nature and I are drowning as one together in our tears

I breathe deeply in moments and new silver light appears; white light golden now faded

Freezing, shivering with cold I turn my head to feel the sun, it brushes gently across my cheek

Harshly bright I squint but grateful for a glimmer of light in this darkest of days,

darkest of months, darkest of forevers

Waiting for warm light, golden light to come

 

As the leaves spiral in the wind

I loved my boy so much. I love my boy so much. Wholly, every bit of me, a mother’s love that starts right in my belly and goes right out through my body, my limbs my arms wrapped around him, my legs walking beside him. My words to love him express comfort and kindness, wise words to keep him safe. Laughter joy, tears, deep deep love. I love my boy so much no one could love him more.

So here I am months now without him. He is not here no longer about. He has gone off into the golden light of his dreams his hopes and aspirations and found his peace. I love him for this I have to accept as loving him unconditionally as I do that, he has made the choice, his right choice for his destiny.

I am waiting for my boy who will not return, I keep waiting but my hope now has faded that this was just one big dreadful dream and my boy would return home, to his mother’s love. As the leaves have now fallen and the trees sway bare in dark grey skies, flower petals have fallen and been swept away, golden light has gone I still sit here waiting. The world is getting darker and nature is going to sleep. Rain and floods come and still I am here waiting for my boy to give him all this love that has built up and I have saved for him since he has gone.

Those leaves spiral in the wind and the rain forms spirals of cold wet puddles under foot, the cold stark reality spirals back again and again that boy will never return to this home, home of his mother’s womb and to me with my unfaltering love. He has gone to be with greater sense of being of all-consuming love, he is at peace.

I feel myself turning my face into the cold grey sun of the day, no golden warmth there. My hands cold wrap tightly around all this love that I hold in my body. Love strong and heavy, it weighs me down pulls and pulls me down until I lie. Lying on the floor I rock back wards and forwards holding all this love that is now spilling out of me. My boy will never return and this love is so strong it holds around my throat, and travels into my chest, ripping my heart and leaving me heartbroken. I rub my belly where love needs to release and I feel too full to move. My legs and arms are leaden from the pain of holding this love, love for my boy with nowhere to go.

I rock, my arms wrapped tightly around me holding me as if I would unravel. Then the reality of all that it is, clarity of what is now appears in spirals whirling around again on another day. Beauty in nature, gold leaves, velvet green, charcoal coloured trees against grey skies, all there to comfort me, to provide distraction. I look back and return and feel this love this huge motherly love is now grief, grief for her beautiful boy, her angel child, her open-hearted loving boy, he has gone.

In grief I sink deeper holding love now grief and watching it seep and fall away. Keep picking it up hoping love will be enough to bring him back, but knowing love was not enough to keep him here. Heartbroken, physical pain, yearning for love lost in my heart. Rocking and weeping and crying. Big heavy dripping tears, and wailing right from my womb, where that mothers love, my Mother’s love for my boy is now grief. I am now grief stricken. There is no recovery as there is too much love. All this love that is now grief with nowhere to go.

Round and around I go on a daily basis awaking to this nightmare of life without my beautiful boy. I dream of him in sleep, of the old life that was full of love and kindness, when I was a Mum knowing what to do. I awake to the reality of no return, no winding all this back to the place and time of mother’s love, my arms wrapped around him, keeping my baby child close. Now I am mother without her youngest child, lost alone in grief. I weep alone. I cry alone. I hold this heart break on my own. No one knows such pain in grief, it is mine alone. Like the love I had this grief is mine alone for my boy, I carry this pain alone. Loved ones, partner, family friends walk with me on this journey but they all retreat and leave me alone, alone in this deep dark grief. I am falling in spirals. He is not returning now I see this, hope with the golden light has faded. Winter has arrived and with it the deep dark pain of all my motherly love for this, my beautiful boy, my youngest baby child turning to grief and with it I fall deeper into sadness.  I no longer have existence here there is no plan in this grief no vision of the future through swirling fogs now of sadness. It is constant heart-breaking sadness and deep deep loss, I no longer want to be here, I am exhausted carrying so much grief. Love was light and clear, grief is heavy, dark and foggy. I feel cold, I feel nothing, I feel distraught. I try to function for others the daily charade to cover up that I am not carrying this huge weight of grief. Trying to skip and walk lightly as before but being pulled back by grief and down with sadness.

Open and honest in love before now there is skullduggery in keeping others safe from this grief. Sneakily I now hide it, pretending I am just a normal Mum, partner, friend. Look how well I am my smile says? My body walking, my mind and lips say all the right words I can even smile. But this grief is killing me, sadness overtakes me. One day at a time, I keep saying five minutes at a time. There are no real words to say that people want to hear No one really need hear my sorrow, nor feel my grief.  All this grief once love is precious to me. My mother’s love was mine to give, to hold and is here now in grief and sorrow.

Another day, one day at a time, five minutes at a time. I breathe.