Finding joy beyond the fog

I have written a blog for months. So long ago I was almost letting it go. I didn’t think I had anything to write anymore. Large boy and really not very small boy are still with their challenges but I didn’t have anything to say. So much has happened in this last month to me  I feel like I am coming out of a huge fog that has encompassed my ability to create think and being anything other than a work horse.

I rarely talk about work and am certainly not going to dwell on my current situation. But to give this blog context I need to explain. The job I do involves me being a fully registered social worker. This means I uphold professional standards, values and principles . My strong professional values and principles have always kept me grounded and in right place right time in my work role. However hard times have been if I can assure myself  that my actions are in the best interests of folk  in our society who need care and support I can keep turning up. I also believe in an honest day’s work for an honest day’s pay.

In recent months I have drowned in work taking me in a direction that is so far away from my values and principles that I lost me. Let me be clear , I make no criticism of the organisation or fantastic folk I have happened to work with , it is just that it is no longer a place I want to be or a role I want to undertake. I have totally lost any perspective in this sea of fog I have been in mostly as I could see no way out.

Anyway I tripped over big time in this fog. I have really emotionally injured myself, but and this is a big deal ; I have stopped. I have stopped running around and am slowly waiting for the fog to clear. Some things have happened to me that are worthy of taking note of:

Not so small now girly has come to live with us. Watching her settle in and begin to explore all the new opportunities this move is giving her is exciting to see and be part of. Purple Dr Marten boots, drama of school friendships, tasting of food tech accomplishments and her rather offbeat humour is adding so much to our household . Moving in does not come without it’s challenges but I am privileged to be this lovely young woman’s step Mum and to be able to support her as she heals, grows and becomes the best version of herself.

The lovely man and I got married. It was a wonderful celebration and out of the fog I realise I feel assured by the vows we have made and the lovely unity it has brought to our families. We are good together and we work as team   and our children see this and are replicating adding to and we are all becoming one big blended family. As I write this I am smiling at the sunshine and lovely love and colour our wedding day had. Some highlights of note:

  • Friends who decorate old Ford Focuses with lipstick hearts and sequin rugs and make you and not small girl laugh out loud
  • Friends who create beauty out of cards and leaves
  • Bubbles curls and a beautiful dress of pink and green
  • Flowers in jars kept for the occasion , more inspiration and creativity than any money could buy. Beautiful and lasting long after the celebration
  • A lovely wise old Mum enjoying the day, chatting to so many and even dancing !
  • So many best friends filling the day with love and joy
  • Staring straight into my lovely man’s eyes
  • Readings of wisdom and funny and emotional speeches
  • Shamadam and dance of love
  • Zills and drums and dancing
  • Celebrating all that is good about love

I am digressing but you know last week I was so drowning in fog the tears and sorrow I carried around with me had covered these lovely memories or indeed wonderful events that are happening to me . There is more:

I completed a two day intensive Collective Soul 1 dance course. Right in the middle of a most stressful month I found respite in dance. Just focusing on putting one foot in front of each other with a shoulder shimmy, arms up down , turning around , it reminds me of why I dance. It is about  joy and at the moment it meditative quality. I really connected with being present and in the moment. I also have reflected and realise that I am currently drawn to this type of dance as its focus is not on the ego. There is no “being the star” . No one is more important , it is a collective soul, a circle of dancers. This weekend also brought me back to my coaching, to morning pages and ideas about being creative.   I have discovered I do want to dance but I need to find a place that is about dancing and not about being at the front and in the lime light. It may or may not involve performing but this is not to be the focus, as dancing can be an opportunity to celebrating being “in the moment”.

I went on a coaching and mentoring conference. The message was that for me is that I can and will be able to rebuild my reality including my career  with focus truthfulness. I can support this by upholding and developing my personal and professional integrity and undertaking actions that make compassion and kindness happen.

A wise friend proposed I should approach the fog with intuition and sensitivity.She keeps remindimg of this as I keep saying intuition and kindness. Indicative of my inability  right now to focus on self!

It is pouring down with rain today. Dark wet and cold. I have cried so much but the relief that I can now see a shining light through this fog I have been in is wonderful . Everyone is talking of new beginnings but you know what I am not rushing this. I am going to sit still, let the tears flow and in between breath, dance and be present.

So what of smallish boy? Here I am continuing to be his Mum. Yesterday he refuses to do his art homework. Taking a picture of himself he then refuses to complete a self-portrait. He cannot see the point. It shows no artistic meaning . As Mum I propose he just undertakes the task in hand. He seems no reason to undertake this. Without an internal driver or a personal goal smallish boy still refuses to participate in tasks. Currently I am trying to make him connect to exams and where he may wish to go in life.  He no longer hugs me but holds me close with fist bumps, trying to get me to do morning stretches with him and draping his long legs over me on the sofa. Last week in my fog of sorrow he gave me a hug. Nothing said or spoken he came to an art fair with me , just looking after his Mum.

Last week I missed large boy so much it hurt, like huge ache. I just want to hang out with big boy and chat and have some of his time. He texted me at the weekend . telling him some of my fog, he tells me no job  is worth that much distress , practical as ever big boys offers kindness; “ You are the best Mum in the world” oh and “ Can you please help me with my CV? Having completed this task I am going to have to develop my own …. Wonder if I can include the words resilient?

 

Advertisements