Just read my journal from last month …One day smallish boy will grow up into a really lovely young man but for now he is just in silly pants mode. Realised I was about to write the same thing again! The word Twat seems to be major feature in smallish boy’s world at the moment. Excluded twice in a month for using it.
Smallish boy is funny quirky and witty. He tells daft stories, has zany ideas. He seems to be liked at school and has nice group of mates. But he has decided to become the class clown. I have become the Mum of clichés. “You won’t be laughing when you leave school with no qualifications and no job and your fiends have moved on” “I can’t see anything funny in your behaviour” The only person you are hurting is yourself” You letting yourself down, your Mum down and the school down”. I laugh at the situation when I don’t feel like crying.
Mr K and I (Mr K being last part of the week Math’s teacher) are becoming close friends as he rings 3.30pm on the dot every Friday to tell me how bad smallish boy has been. I am thinking of sending him a Christmas card. I am popping into school so often I am definitely building a rapport with his school.
Exasperation is where I am at. This morning I yelled really loud. He grinned even more. He missed the school bus, I flick flacked him with my arms in the car and yelled more in complete and utter exasperation. He grinned more.
We come home this evening after I have insisted that I drive him home (I like the bus Mum it gives me time to think). We then spend an hour cooking together. Chopping vegetables, nattering, stirring and pottering around the kitchen. We discuss:
I might become a cleaner I like cleaning
All I really want is to live in an apartment with cats
Me: You like cats
What would you do if I became a pothead?
Me: Why have you smoked any?
No I don’t like smoking
If you were desperate would you mug your own mother?
Me: That would mean I would mug Gran!
Where do you think Dad is?
Me: Why ask me this?
Me: In Scotland I presume
I point out here that real Dad has been mostly absent for last 12 years of the boys lives. But this last year he has phoned twice. Bit rubbish heh? Trouble is should this affect smallish boy? Is there a direct correlation between absent dad and needing to use the word Twat at school loudly?
Today’s ponderings were am I a bad mother as I am not stay at home Mum? If I was home boy would be in bedroom with headphones in but perhaps he wouldn’t so is my being at work a cause of him acting the fool and swearing in school.
I swear when I am really angry so I must be a really bad mother. I also took smallish boy and large boy to see alternative comedian on Saturday night who swears too so I am doubly bad Mum.
We do not ride bicycles nor swim. We don’t do competitive sports. All of this makes me a bad Mum. Well possibly not as smallish boy has started going to the gym after school after he has completed detentions.
But here is the thing. Boy sits in lounge with me on his phone. He has just eaten big plate of spaghetti Bolognese he has cooked with me. The house is warm. The Christmas tree sits in the corner of the room. We decorated it with big boy on Sunday and it is full of childhood happy memories of baubles and sparkle from Christmas past.
My lovely man, which let’s face it is caring kind gentle step dad pops his head around the door. I ask about homework, we discuss help with work experience and whether there is homework to do.
I think life is good in our family or indeed good enough. My parenting has to be good enough. It is certainly full of love, safety and kindness.
So I am feeling okay.
Smallish boys say:
Mum is you happy?
Me: yes darling are you?
No I am really depressed
Me: What about?
He will drive me to drink!
I wrote the above a couple of days and three dententions and two “I am so Disappointed Mrs McG” phone calls later. Sat on sofa tonight and long lost Dad phones. No sorry no explanation nothing. Smallish boy leaps up delighted and excited that his Dad has called. Unconditional love works both ways heh?