Smallish boy is now taller than me and is aspiring to be taller than big boy so I shall have to think of new names, or perhaps not as smaller boy will always be small boy to me as I look up at him. He may be physically big but recently he is back physically trying to snuggle up to me on sofa , draping is long arms over me for hug, and at his Gran’s house ( no internet) wanting to sit on my lap, by my feet and not leaving me alone. Something is up but not sure what. Perhaps despite his nonchalant expression to it all he too has been bothered by his level of detentions and school exclusion for calling the Maths teacher a twat. You may laugh but in my world of super Mum it isn’t funny. I am keeping the plates spinning here and school is one plate that needs to keep spinning. It is a lovely school that cares and he needs to learn to reciprocate that care a bit more.
Meanwhile not heard a word from the other one. I must remember to text him. It is not that he is not in my thoughts it is just we keep different hours and he is either asleep or in lectures when I am awake. He is happy enough in his world of Uni life. I often wonder whether I should pursue him more. But I have brought up my son to be independent and go out into the world seeking out his passions, and find his own path in life. I am here if he needs me.
I haven’t blogged for ages and wanted to write today about being part of the squeezed generation or indeed about being Mum, partner, daughter, manager , student , hence the plate spinning activities or indeed is it juggling? Well in my world I normally do a miraculous job at keeping all these roles going. I am not convinced that I do any of them well but a good enough approach is getting me by, just but I am thinking this is not sustainable. I have reached appoint where I need to rethink what is happening about Jude and building in some personal resilience into my life.
Having just pinged off assignment number 2 to my tutor I am considering today how to shift my world about. Surely there has to be a way. So here is a little account of my last week:
• Elderly mother rings on Friday evening she is four hour drive away and not coping home alone and has to attend MRI scan. Despite the 100s of friends who insisted on visiting her a couple of years ago in hospital there is no one available to take her to scan. My mum is lovely and I casually and calmly tell her I will rearrange life to pop down to take her to said scan. Fall asleep on sofa wine in hand.
• Saturday I wake early and work with my lovely man on house chores and we have a little out and about couple time purchasing apple and pear tree and hanging out. Pack a bag ready for trip to Devon. Feel some relief that next week isn’t a school week so no shirts to iron or indeed detentions to respond to. Doesn’t stop me trying to have a serious Mum chat to smallish boy who takes no notice.
• Sunday hurtle done motorway to Plymouth and arrive to see brother with learning disabilities for quick chat about his life, recovery from recent operation and steam trains. Feel need to have some sea air so take small boy to the Hoe and have drink with lovely school friend Mo where amongst other things we swop tips on how to care for the elderly parents
• Monday its quick trip to packed town centre to purchase small boy grow man’s jeans and jacket with no VAT and large price tag. I madly grab some random clothing items to make me feel good (points win prizes) and to show some kind of professional image at work. Mother thinks I am over indulging self on presentation of said self-prizes and I whisk her out for drive and garden centre tea and cake. Full asleep in reclining chair – Mum has two I am asleep on old one and feel like an old woman!
• Tuesday is get Mum to scan day and I enjoy an hour in the Nuffield waiting room reading a magazine observing I do not get offered coffee, must be the differential of being NHS referred and private patient? I hurtle back up motorway for four hour drive home. Undertake food shop and cook tea.
• Wednesday is back to work day including a presentation to keen students who want to be social workers on The Care Act and safeguarding. No email Wednesday causes some dilemmas as I have an inbox full needing response. As much as I am pleased that smallish boy is now out and about I now have to make after work drive to neighbouring town to fetch him. Highlight of week is watching The Apprentice glass of wine in hand.
• Thursday more racing around work day. In between this trying to make phone calls and emails regarding sorting out some personal stuff. This includes a mass photocopy print off document adventure when I come home involving being logged out of bank account several times and large amount of swearing. I burnt the tea as builder turns up to give quote
• Friday is my day off so I get up at 6.30am to undertake my assignment. My one little bit of me time is going for the most beautiful autumnal walk with old friend. Deep breathe the views of the river and trees are gorgeous. Lovely man and I sort boring business out , pop out for a disappointing pub meal and fall asleep watching TV. Smallish boy reappears having been out on the town, gobby whilst being evasive about what he’s been up to.
Today is Saturday and I have happily finished my assignment. (It is a coaching and mentoring course L5).
When I started this blog it was going to be about Judee Tee the dancer but she went missing ages ago. In the last year I have stopped dance teaching so no regular class, hardly attended any events or performed and am managing to attend a fortnight tribal class. I am really enjoying doing a different kind of dance as I love the sisterhood of tribal and if lived somewhere with more regular classes I would attend every week. The group of women I dance with at this group are so lovely they have gone some way to repairing my personal experience of getting close to folk in the dance world and the hurt it caused me. Oh and I drum too again with a lovely group of people and drumming with such a nice group of folk just makes me smile. So it is not all doom and gloom! But I used to love Egyptian dance and the creativity and personal expression it brought me. It was for me an opportunity to create and connect my body and soul.
I am feeling an overweight unfit coach potato belly dancing fraud. I don’t know where Jude the passionate dancer has gone. Is it that in undertaking all the above which if you added the shirt ironing school drama is a normal week there is no room for Jude the dancer? Or is it that without the passion for it I don’t make the time? I looked at gym membership this morning. I know that I am stressed with work and am putting on weight and becoming unfit and middle aged. Work is taking its toll stress wise and I need to build up my personal resilience. I don’t feel good about myself. I hate gyms but I go to work in the dark and come in the dark exhausted, weekends are chores and catching up with lovely man and friends and family.
But as I am lying there with phone on Zumba time table what happened to Jude who dances? So I made myself get up. Not with great deal of zest or passion I add. I got the IPOD out and randomly danced for forty minutes. Myas, drops, snake arms, shimmies, camels the full works. I danced and danced and even to some cracking saiidi felt a little bit of judee tee coming back.
I think too much about it all. I am challenging myself to forget that past and negative experience dance world brought, forget that I am middle aged and no one wants to watch me, there is nowhere to perform or now I have moved to teach anywhere or anyone to teach. I am just going to dance like no one is watching to my favourite music to get fit and try and feel good about me again.
I have written this blog hoping that in the writing and perhaps the reading I may have to hold me to dancing account.
Happy dancing days