Memories, good, bad, record players and saying sorry to me

Memories. In January we set resolutions and goals and plans for the New Year but what do we do with the past? In clearing out my attic I have unearthed boxes of memories from old toys to photographs, pictures and records. All of these objects stir up memories and with these emotional feelings.

One of my actions for the early part of this year is to address some difficult feelings that I have about the past and work at trying to reach a point of forgiveness around some actions and activity that happened to me in the past. Digging deep it is nasty stuff which I am struggling to let go of and just smiling and getting on with it has been more of a grimace and a muttered rant!

Reading about others experiences and some positive affirmations has made me suddenly have a realisation about my memories regarding particular experiences that continue to cause me distress. It was not about forgiving others that has been the block but the forgiving of me. I still have attachment to past struggles and indeed to my complicity in behaviour that I now find utterly horrid. I struggle to understand how I was pulled into values and attitudes that I would not normally tolerate and so therefore blame myself for being involved in such horridness.

So here I have been carrying around a large bag of nasty bitter angry memories. On top of this I feel blame and even worse shame at my own behaviour. I am sure you can imagine “Missus who does she think she is” has been having a field day! “Call yourself a nice person? Ha! You are insincere and untruthful” she whispers in my ear!

Enough. This must stop and I must rethink my memories. I cannot change the past and I cannot change my actions. But what I can accept is that through my open heartedness I have been drawn into emotions that created behaviour that I now feel shame about it. It is my belief and trust in others that led me to make wrong turns and wrong judgements of others. Indeed there may have been times when folk have played right into my openness (remember the lame ducks in last year’s blog?). The other challenge in this is not being able to share nor have these experiences validated. When attempting to share these experiences with others “Missus who does she think she is” makes me feel like a big drama queen or a bitter old bag. I feel foolish at being so manipulated and pushed so morally off course.

I am not sure if I can stop being so open hearted and trusting as this is who I am. I can however stop meeting folk and allowing people to emotionally bully me. Rather than wasting my energy on trying to save others I need to take care of me. So I am forgiving myself. I am saying sorry to me. I am not forgetting the past but I am working hard at forgiveness. Time to reflect, learn and not get drawn in again.

Although I moved some months ago I am finally clearing the last bits of my house to sell and as I said earlier have been up in the attic. Naturally some of what I have kept is just stuff ( boxes of files on out of date courses – remember OHPs?) but I have also found the wonderful Brio train set, my bag of 1982 vogue magazines and to smallish boy’s excitement record player and records. This last week smallish boy has now set record player up in his room and we have been listening to The Beatles, Pink Floyd and Abba! Yes the whole collection of teen girl memories is there. This includes those precious singles bought by boyfriends of the past and Albums which were saved up for and still in my mind establish “my cool”. This includes my teen heroines Patti Smith and Debbie Harry.

Of course all these memories of my “yoof” mean little to anyone else. Smallish boy has just discovered he can make Michael Jackson sound like a Chipmunk by playing him fast and Abba Waterloo (my first single) very funny if played slowly. I almost feel indignant as if he somehow offending my memories and then I just laugh. Smallish boy has no memory of record players, of A or B sides, Top of the Pops or of saving all pocket money for just one song. He cannot remember being able to use Dad’s polished gramophone that looked like a sideboard to play my songs.
It is funny as we now live in a house of headphones. Hearing music wafting down the stairs reminds me , reminds me of drawing pictures, making embroidery, reading books, Sundays dinners, broken hearts, being in love, of being young!

Well last push to move next weekend. A pile of rubbish for the tip has been established but what to with my parent’s 1950s bedroom chairs?

Moving from shoulds to coulds to cans and I did! Happy 2015!

In 2015 I am directing my life force to be empowering and to be making and fully realising all the opportunities given to me. No longer am I going to struggle with January. I am a summer soul in need of light so I shall use this hibernating time as a pause for thought and time to make plans.

So I am starting this year with a plan. Most years I have ago and some years I complete but this year I have completed a thoughtful, considered creative and illustrated Best Year Yet Plan (book can be purchased on Amazon and other places). I have used lovely gifts given to me to create a handbook for the year all illustrate with colour light love and fun!
A quick resume of the good stuff in 2014 was amazing. What a wonderful celebration. Here are some highlights:
• My lovely man and I have created our family home complete with me learning how to paint a wall properly without drips, creating a welcome/happy birthday party with some wonderful friends
• Large boy left home happily going to University and is surviving in the world with his student handbook, mobile phone and it appears some trendy new clothes including a fabulous snuggly parka!
• Smaller boy has settled and despite what he professes is settling nicely in a new school
• Lovely man and I have started performing together with Lovely man drumming for my dancing
• I started a new challenging “using my brain” job
Oh and don’t forget I wrote my blog and went to dance camp! So many wonderful things.
Of course in 2014 there were some down times too and indeed some moments to consider. I didn’t like being hurt very badly by someone I trusted. In fact I continue to not like being hurt by folk that I really should care less about. I also have continued to not really take the best care of me. Again I have over done things, not looked after my health or wellbeing in my bid to be superwoman.

One amazing thing happened in 2014 is that I had the opportunity and love to be given some shamanic healing. Not something I would ever have asked for but I started this journey by being witness to a close friend. What a privilege to have been part of something so intense, personal, a gift from a wonderful woman.

With an amazing group of wise women and souls, a real celebration of the life force, energy, spirits, love, human emotion whatever you want to call it. For me thinking today my message, the gifts given to me was loud and clear:
• If I am planning on staying around then I need to love me and let others love me
• I need to start taking care of me. I cannot keep giving out so much of me without replenishment, nurturing and love.
So time for me to not just hear but to actively listen!
I suppose this is the thing pondering the last year. What happens happens, and this at times we may have little control over. The one thing we can take control over though is how we respond to what happens to us. So here are some little heartfelt learning moments:
• Many things can be sorted with a deep breath , patience and time
• I need to stop rushing about. I need to take time to rest and spend time with my lovely man and family ( stop rushing about on the next project)
• I am going to replenish my own energy levels before offering to others

So my guidelines for 2015 are:

• To take care of family and self
• Replenish my physical and emotional wellbeing
• Breathe and be patient when it is all not going quite right
In considering my world and life I have considered how many different roles I seem to have in my life. I am a partner, mother and daughter just in family life alone! There is also professional manager Jude and blog writer, scribbler and a reluctant bathroom cleaner!
Here are the ones I have decided to think more about:
• Mother
• Partner
• Self-coach
• Family member
• Manager
• Creative being
• Home maker
There are lots more but I am trying to really focus to be effective. Applying personal values to these my 2015 will be set in a framework of loving kindness, compassion, truthfulness and empathy. I am endeavouring to make more time to listen to other, appreciate the small stuff and the day to day and enjoy the company of family and partner.
The Best Year Yet Plan really challenges you to think about what role to place focus on.

In 2015:

My main role to focus on is to be my own life coach.

I am sat here now reading my goals and guess what? “Who does she think she is pops up”? She is perched on my shoulder sneering. She thinks my goals are way too easy, but I tell her to re- read again. She then starts to laugh, saying that even though they are easy and small I am way too lazy to achieve these goals! Apart from this she also thinks I am way too selfish to be thinking about myself rather than a role that will help others!
So I am standing up to her and saying loudly and clearly:

I am an intelligent loved, loving and creative woman surrounded by a lovely family and friends
I have a plan with specific practical goals that I am keeping close to my heart now. I need to get to know the new me that will be taking care of err well me. Some of these goals look deceptively easy. You might read them and indeed think goodness what simple tasks. I am so much better at the big gestures and struggle with the little simple things.
I know that if I spend time nurturing and caring for me in 2015 my other roles with flourish. I have suspicion some of these roles will become significantly easier.
So go away “who does she think she is”! I am moving from “I should do this” to “I could consider doing this” to “I will and I can”

Here for a fantastic 2015!