Gosh it is a decade since I nearly died. Nine years since my lovely Dad died. Life is precious and for living. Easy words to say heh? Ten years ago a group of doctors muttered and grumbled around me. Sending me for tests, prods and zapping with large polo mint machinery, shoving cameras in intimate places they had me up for dead and dying. Then the amazing Mr Hunt chopped a huge chunk out of me and declared me fit to get on with life and living.
There was a week of “limbo” of all this. Of waiting . Of lots of time and thoughtfulness. Time to go to the scariest of scary places. That dark shady place you never go . Naturally as a Mum I could not stay there in the dark . Two small boys constantly pulled me back to sunny side. I can remember my lovely friend visiting, sitting beside me saying “I know it is your boys” whilst I reached out and stroked their cheeks, their necks and grabbed their hands . My boys indeed thought Mummy was some kind of a nutter who would not stop touching them!
Funnily enough in the topsy turvy place of life. I sat at same said friend’s death bed a few years later with her grown up children. Still her babies to the end.
So today I look out at a small clutch of snow drops under my apple tree. Every year they appear bringing hope of spring and warmer sunnier days. A reminder life is for living. I struggle with the constant mundane . How does one reconcile oneself with coming back from scariest place, from lying on operating table, pain, sickness in order to fill the dish washer and wash school uniform? It is has become a question of balance and looking at my snow drops today reminds me of this balancing act of life.
Yesterday I worked . I do not sell my soul nor tip my emotional balance. I participate in something ethical which has some value for society I think. I give my skill, my intelligence my knowledge for money to pay bills for part of week. I will not and have no desire to work full time. I am convinced folk think I am lazy . Quite frankly I do not care.
Today is a day off. I did empty the dishwasher I may have piled clothes in a pile? I did assist smallish boy with cleaning out the fish. The house needs cleaning ish but not enough. Driving in my car I found the most wondrous beautiful soulful music. It is a new jewel to brighten my day. So today I danced and danced and danced. Listened some more and danced.
I bought large boy shoes and purchased some “far too young for me” denim pumps in fact I shall call them sneakers if only to annoy the kids! . It is also worthy of note that large boy and spend considerable amount time playing with the word shoes over and over in absurd voices to emphasise the shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhoo and make ourselves laugh. I then managed dancing more in between supporting smallish boy with making a cushion . I am now dancing amid fabric thread and smallish boys bright ideas of mouths , cutting and creative genius .
Goodness I am so into this new song. It feels me up with emotion and I need to dance to express all this new feeling .Dance is an amazing way to celebrate life. I love the connection of the physical to the emotional . The telling of the story. To me it is more than getting a move right, being the dancer with best hips in the room. It is a painting of a picture, telling of a story that has to be done.
I think this connection to be creative with my physical self is linked to being so ill. Stripping away the layers of my physical and emotional being is the great gift coming so close to death gave me. That very sense of being , of living in the moment in time and feeling real. No layers of illusion just one’ s sense of self. Dance gives me this or at least gives me an opportunity to be there. I suppose that is why I use words like integrity, honesty , sense of self when describing dance and performance.
So now I am returning to my new beautiful piece of music. I would tell you what it is but for now it is all mine in my own private dance space . Naturally it may well come into a hall with me dancing near you soon.