Trees are good

Despite life’s adversity I always had hope and optimism

Vision of a future that would be better

I thought the challenges of today could be fixed

Super woman me would fix them

Racing onward always running to get stuff done

To make it better for everyone

Ha! What a laugh

Grief cannot be fixed

It is constant

Looming large

It’s darkness and despondency consume all

Weighing me down

Overwhelmingly controlling me

Creating a broken version of me

No longer the fixer the superwoman of helpful compassion

Staggering about in my brokenness

With my heart ache just killing time

It matters not the fuck what I do now

No need to fix or make bright future plans

For what meaning would this make?

I walk among trees with a loved friend

Stopping, we stand still in our shared moment

Seeing beauty in stark deep dark winter

Rain pours down like my heavy constant tears

Walking to nowhere in this nightmare

Punctuated by moments of beauty which can offer gentle respite.

I could be still waiting for more sadness and despair to descend

but I choose to walk in this dark landscape

This is the nightmare I am living

Strange days now full of dark winter and gloom

Heavy skies and spiky trees against the sky

All this mother s love now heavy grief to carry

I carry my grief gently as I walk among the trees

Trees are good

They do not talk back

Remembering well in the light

Blank page looking inside out outside in to write

Day starts dark and dull

As usual fuzzy headed I fall out of bed and in the darkness

Before dawn the reality that you have gone hits me hard again

Today as the sun rises attempting to dispel the dreariness of the day my trees sway bravely against the white light of winter

Walk towards the light and not the dark

So hard when I am in the depths of winter both inside out, outside in

It is cold dark and miserable,

days full of little light and punctuated with sorrow

Grief over shadows everything

Dark long wintery shadows pass over everything,

grief is near, always close

I carry grief with me with its darkness, heavy it weighs me down

Candles lit and flicker with light

Their sweet perfume to bring calm to this mourning storm

Ritual of bringing light by candles offers a moments relief

A doing what is right

Remembering well in the light

Darkness surrounds

Yet I look towards the trees and the desperate white light of winter is reaching out

A bird sings

Alone with no reply

The candle light of colour of hearts of love,

with its perfume scent marks your existence

It lights your face your name

Light does not remove my pain

Or mend my broken heart

As I write the day gets slightly brighter

The bird sings again

A new day starting with its winter light and long dark shadows

Do I lean into the light or reach out to the shadows?

A different day I feel gentle sunlight on my face

I lean back deeply into my grief

As always, I am held with love and grace in my deepest darkest of sorrows

There is wisdom in this pain but the sweet truth is hard to accept

alongside this grief, this suffering

Tonight, as the dark day becomes darker night

I shall light a sweet-scented candle for you

And feel my deep love for you

No need for reminders

Always here

Birds sing

The birds sing as I take a deep breath. They fly over the tree tops. Not such a dead day today. I breath deeply. Another day I am still here. I look out to winter’s stillness. I breath deeply. How on earth have I got to here to this place, this time? I awake every morning and return to the deeply sad reality that my life is now this sorrow, carrying this grief.

Nearly six months, half a year and I am exhausted. So, weary I know not how to carry on. Yet now is the time where I have to try to move on make plans, time for shift. It is not there, no energy for the new at all. I could sit all day and not move a finger. I almost want to hold time in here and now. If time moves on then the vision of what was once, the memories the importance of my son’s very being will fade. Everything moves on around me. I have watched the seasons shift I have watched the light brightly shift to golden hue to white low light to now nothing but dark gloom.

That could describe me inside I am full of dark gloom. Dark gloomy grief that consumes my very soul, all of my being. Inside here there is my heart. My broken damaged heart. Once shiny bright and bouncy oozing with love it lies there now in two halves. I can hardly see it as my soul now is so dark so full of dismay.

Wait there is a dim light, a flicker, very small and hard to see. If I squint my soul just has a very small flame of not hope, a sense of being, of existing. There is reflection. I breathe deeply looking into this small light it is calm. Perhaps calm resignation but there is no anger or fear here, beginnings of acceptance to the bigger picture, but it is so faint it is too hard to see and it hurts as grief and sorrow pull me back.

I am so weary I want to sleep now, but before I let go and go to dream land, I need to check on my broken heart. I am looking deep inside. Grief pushes on it and sorrow has ripped it in two. Dismay has made it all dim. No longer shiny it looks like old frayed velvet that has been left in the light too long.

But looking closely it is not falling away the two halves hold together, not fixed but they are held there. My heart is being held. I breathe deeply.

The trees sway against the dark grey sky. I look for my bird family, the finches that live next door. Bird chatter but no bird to see. Even my beloved Robin is not here this morning. I can hear distant bird song, perhaps higher in the tops of the big trees. I long for spring, a time of hope, but so unsure whether it will ever return to me again.

I am held

I am desperate

I am held

I am broken

I am held

I resist

I am held

 

I am falling into grief

I am held

I am broken hearted

I am held

I am sobbing

I am held

 

I am sinking deep into sadness

I am held

I have no control over this sorrow

I am held

I am alone

I am held

 

I am without my boy

I am held

I do not know what to do

I am held

I have no where to turn

I am held

 

I am staring again at trees

I am held

I cry with no light on my face

I am held

I seek beauty in winter

I am held

 

I am so cold

I am held

I shiver

I am held

I am lost to this place

I am held

 

I am without hope

I am held

I am without a vision

I am held

I am no longer coping

I am held

 

There is nowhere to turn

No where to go away from this deep grief

No hiding from this sadness and distress

No turning away from this pain, this loss

My boy has gone from me from here

No longer a mother with her baby boy held close

 

In love in mercy in grace

By all people

By all of nature

By the bigger sense of being of God

By all things of wonder

I am held

How come I am still here?

How come I am still here?

My boy has gone and not coming back

When will it be time to walk towards him please?

The wind blows and there is yet more rain.

I want to stay here alone and sit very still and remember

I want to remember his face

It feels time is slipping it all away

Forgetting everything

But I need to remember for when as his Mum I come to find my boy

A new year new times rubbing out

He was here

That I was I am his Mother

And he was he is my boy

Yet I need to feel this for the time will come when I reach out again to touch my boy

The tears are still here

They fall fast and hard

Big rain drops

Bigger tears

Always alone in my Mother grief

Holding what is left with deep grief, deeper love

So, broken

The pretence of life going on

Being helpful

Being supportive

Listening to others

No one notices my wanting to be slipping away

Not unconnected in love

More connected to those in pain

Sisters and brothers in loss

No happy new years

No day to day nonsense

It is meaningless

How do I go on?

Unless I can move towards my boy?

I am lost

Mother without her baby boy

Searching knowing that today I will not find answers

Broken

Heart broken

Time moves on

Everyone moves around me

I sit here still

Why?

With my tears and broken heart

My boy has gone and he is not coming back

I will seek him with my broken heart

I draw my broken heart over and over again

I draw my broken heart over and over again

Sun shines low bright white light low

No warmth it hurts my eyes it hurts my eyes

My heart aches

I close my eyes squint against the cold winter sun

I see my heart scribbled red crimson velvety crayon

Purple gash breaks it in two

I carry my broken heart everywhere

Never thought much about my heart full of love before

It was just a given all this mother love to give

Unconditional love that I held to give my children

I naively thought a heart full of love would sustain forever times

This heart full of love would keep my children safe.

The constant source of love would take away pain and make the path of life easier to journey on

So here now is my heart I hold it together it is huge and big and velvety red

Love pours out from the top and the big crack down the centre

Not sure if like china this crack can ever be fixed

No stitch or sticky tape will mend this gaping gash made by such destruction such pain such sorrow such suffering

It hurts so hard and fast

The pain in my heart is heart ache and is constant

Pain distress is heavy grief is heavy and it is all carried now in my great big heart

Normal love is held there too all mixed up

Love for others still needs to be supplied

I am still a Mother and I need to turn slightly against the light so that on a good day the great big crack in the centre of my heart cannot be seen

Squinting in the sun on a bright day my heart looks soft velvety and whole not broken

For a while I pretend serene and calm all is well

Whereas really, I am numb, broken, sinking lower into grief land into sea of my sorrowful tears.

I draw my heart over and over again

In pen and crayon coloured in soft red gentle crimson with its big purple gash down the centre

I draw my broken heart over and over again

This grief hits hard

Yet another sore throat and heady cold and feeling unwell and this grief attacks in all directions. Trees create sparkle today with the bright white sun and clouds hurry across the sky. As usual it is likely it will rain again. As usual it is likely I will cry again today. My head pounds and I breathe deeply but heavy by sadness compounded by ill health.

This grief hits hard. Today I am feeling numb mostly because physical illness and aches and pains over take me. I am not sure if this provides respite it just compounds and adds to my desperate attempts to get through days. In fact, I am pissed off that I am sick yet again.  It feels one thing after another after another.

This grief carrying so very heavy will go on and on, after and never happy after. Part of me thinks who cares it matters now or never how sick I am? I have no hopeful or optimistic plans I am in survivor mode but the trouble is this surviving takes up so much energy and I am sick. Carrying around this heavy load of grief makes me permanently sick. I am so weary so tired.

Sun and light have gone now we are back to grey dull sky coming across wiping out any chance of bright sun. I have no energy to do the stuff that keeps me propped up. I want to always lie down with my own thoughts though. Could I run away if they become too much?

Writing here, writing or drawing in my journal or fresh air and going walking to see the trees, all taken away because I am sick. I am Fed up surely, I do not deserve this? This grief state gets harder and harder.

There is a weird waving line just under the tees with a cloud touched by sunlight. Doing nothing makes one notice these things. Robin has been back reminding me to hang on in there. But I am so exhausted with it all

I just want to lie forever in my pool of tears

No one near

Just me and my grief

All still

In the moment in time